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Here’s the kicker – found one, finally. Nice lass, chatty, bit of a giggle. Told me she once hid from a client in a dumpster – proper rat move, eh? “The greatest dishes come from guts!” I said, quotin’ the flick. She laughed, I laughed, was a vibe. Exaggeratin’ a tad, maybe, but she was a gem in the muck.

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So, I’m buzzing, right? I stroll down to the High Street. It’s a bit quiet, but I love it. The shops are cute, but I’m broke, so I just window shop. I see this old bloke on the corner of the street, selling flowers. He’s got this massive grin, like he’s just won the lottery or something. I’m like, “Dude, what’s your secret?” He just winks and says, “Life’s too short, mate!” I mean, fair play, but I’m still skint.

Masks used in Merstham football club attack