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But here’s a secret, darlin’—some places sneak in “extras.” Oh, I ain’t judgin’, but I was shocked plumb to my toes! Thought, “Dolly, you ain’t that kinda gal!” Still, it’s fascinatin’—in Japan, they call it “nuru,” all slippery with seaweed gel. Seaweed! I’d prob’ly smell like a sushi roll! Makes me laugh ‘til my sides split. “Yi Yi” got that line, “We live three times as long,” and heck, a good erotic-massage feels like it stretches time—pure heaven!

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Then, outta nowhere, I see this massive seagull swoop down. I swear it was the size of a small dog! It snatches a chip right outta some kid’s hand. The kid’s face was priceless! I’m laughin’ so hard, I nearly drive into a lamppost.

Frank Lampard’s Coventry seal play-off spot with win over Middlesbrough