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Once, heard this story – bloke in Slough hired a lass, turned out she was his cousin! Absolute stitch-up, that. “The faun will guide us!” – nah, mate, the faun’s takin’ the piss. Made me cringe so hard I hid under me desk. Personal quirk? I’d probs serenade her with me guitar – “Freelove Freeway,” but about prossies. Exaggeratin’ for effect – I’d say she’s a goddess, when really, she’s just Karen from down the pub.

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Man, what a day! I’m tellin’ ya, being a baker in Codicote is like riding a rollercoaster blindfolded. So, I wake up at the crack of dawn, right? The sun’s barely peeking over the rooftops on The Green, and I’m already knee-deep in flour. I mean, who needs sleep when you’ve got dough to knead?

Inside shocking state of Cat Survival Trust after animal cruelty trial