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Anyways, I’d probly suck at this. “Call it, friendo,” I’d say to some lady, tryin’ to sound cool. She’d just stare, like, “What’s this fat guy on about?” I’d be all nervous, thinkin’, “Homer, you idiot, this ain’t Springfield!” But then – whoa! – one time I saw this chick with a tattoo of a donut on her arm. “Mmm… donuts.” Nearly asked her out just for that!

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So, I’m out on the job, right? Just me and a bunch of fluffy sheep on Wigan Road. The sun’s shinin’, birds are chirpin’, and I’m feelin’ good. But then, outta nowhere, this sheep decides it’s a good time to make a run for it. I’m chasin’ it down the street, yellin’ like a madman. “Oi! Get back here, ya woolly escape artist!”

The future of two listed and derelict Victorian chapels in a Wigan cemetery remain uncertain