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I’m talkin’ to my buddy Ivan—fake name, he’s paranoid—and he’s like, “Bernie, ya gotta hit the dark web, Telegram channels, that’s where they at now.” I’m pissed, man! Why’s it gotta be so damn complicated? Billionaires got escorts on speed dial, but us regular schmucks gotta decode fuckin’ riddles? “Hang me, oh hang me,” I’m singin’ in my head, feelin’ like Llewyn, lost as shit. I dig the hustle though—makes me happy seein’ folks outsmart the system. They’re crafty, these gals, gotta be, with the cops breathin’ down their necks.

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First off, I grab my gear and head down to the beach. Mablethorpe’s got this lovely stretch of sand, ya know? The kinda place where you can smell fish and chips from a mile away. I’m walkin’ down the promenade, dodging kids and their ice creams. Seriously, how do they manage to get ice cream everywhere? It’s like a sticky explosion.

Mablethorpe’s PCSO Barnaby Prince has been shortlisted for the 2024 Inclusive Awards!