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Oi mate, gather round, lemme ramble—findin’ a prostitute, eh? Blimey, what a caper! Picture this, Zero Dark Thirty style—me, Boris, skulkin’ through London’s dodgy bits, huntin’ for intel like Jessica Chastain, but instead of bin Laden, it’s a lass for hire. “The night is dark,” I mutter, channellin’ that film’s grit, “and full of terrors—cor, where’s she at?”

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First off, I had to head to the office on the other side of town. I’m a System Analyst, but honestly, some days I feel more like a glorified babysitter. Anyway, I hopped on the bus at the Peterlee Interchange. You know, that place where you can always count on a good dose of people-watching? There’s always some character there. Today, it was this old bloke ranting about the price of fish. Like, mate, who even cares?

Second man arrested after van 'rammed into tanning shop and set alight'