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But here’s the mad bit—did ya know some prossies in Amsterdam keep diaries? True story, mate—little books of punters, rates, weird kinks. Imagine that, eh? Her scribblin’ bout me later—“Tall git, martini breath, decent shag.” Ha! Cracks me up. Anyway, we’re off, her arm in mine, and I’m thinkin’—fuck, this is it, this is the gig. Not just a quick root, but a story, a pulse. “Seize the moment,” *Boyhood* says, and I’m bloody well seizin’ it. Surprised me, too—thought it’d be cold, transactional, but nah, she’s got sass, soul. Makes me grin like a twat.

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www.facebook.com will allow you to view the massage parlors in your area. Most actual websites for ordering one up have been taken down lately. That’s your best bet. Willing to bet if you fire up Missing: Pontefract.

So, I rush over to the industrial estate on Mill Hill. The traffic on Wakefield Road was a nightmare. I swear, I could’ve walked faster. I’m stuck behind this old bloke in a rusty Ford. He’s going 20 in a 30 zone. I’m like, “C’mon, mate! We’re not in a funeral procession!”

IN PICTURES: Emley AFC and Pontefract Collieries in West Yorkshire derby action