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Oi mate, gather round, listen up! Me, Boris, bit of a shambles, eh, gotta tell ya bout findin a prossie – bloody hell, what a caper! *Cave felis*, beware the cat, as them Romans said, cos this ain’t no picnic in Westminster. Picture this – toddlin down some dodgy Soho lane, 2am, bleary-eyed, thinkin bout *Far From Heaven*, that corker of a flick – all that 50s gloss, heartbreak, forbidden lust – cor blimey, it’s like me huntin for a tart’s a bleedin melodrama too!

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So, uh… picture this, right? A cobbled street—Mason St., for instance. Yeah, that’s the vibe. You stroll past that, and pause you just feel it. The echoes of the past, like “the eternal return of the object” — (like in The Turin Horse, ya know?) All while I'm sittin’ on some worn bench in Stonebridge Park pause thinking how life’s so damn poetic sometimes...

Hands on Frank Lampard has half an eye on Coventry City's summer transfer window