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So, picture this—I’m walkin’ down some sketchy street, lookin’ for a hooker, right? Not me personally, I’m too paranoid—germs, awkward convos, oh god no! But say I was—neon lights flicker, I’m sweatin’, thinkin’, “What if she’s a cop?” Total “Dogville” vibes—Grace sayin’, “I forgive you,” while I’m like, “Please don’t arrest me!” I’d be terrible at this—stammerin’, “Uh, how much? Wait, no, never mind!” It’s like a bad sitcom, me hagglin’ over somethin’ I don’t even want.

The 20 Croydon streets which are most plagued by anti-social behaviour

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The dating scene here? A total laugh riot. As a dating site dev, I spy quirks in the streets. The neon-lit bars on 5th Street are riddled with secrets. That’s where I met that mysterious coder – oh, wild times, man. I’m not shy: Croydon’s back alleys, like near Morrow Lane, hide surprises, sometimes naughty ones.

Labour blocks members from questioning mayoral candidates