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So, erotic-massage – not your nan’s backrub, nah! It’s all sensual, slippery, proper naughty. Hands sliding about, bit of oil, bit of cheek – *mea culpa*, I’m a sucker for it! Makes me feel alive, like when Gigolo Joe danced in that film. “What is love?” he asks – well, mate, this is close! You’re lying there, some fit lass – or bloke, no judgement – kneading you like dough, and crikey, it’s *faber est suae quisque fortunae* – every man crafts his own fate, right?

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Oh man, I’m gettin' into my feels now – cuz you know, dating apps make you see all the tiny quirks. Ever been to Maple & 3rd? It's a hidden gem, a cozy cafe that brews the best java – trust me, I've swiped and chatted over countless cups there. There’s something magical about meetin’s that vibe with the just-right aroma.

Katharine Quist, First Woman Agricultural Commissioner in Butte County