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So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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Oh, and lemme share a lil’ anecdote: once, while cruisin’ on Lakeside Drive, I bumped into an old friend who said, “Even in silence, the truth screams.” Bam! Mr. T style right there – I said, “I pity the fool who’d miss out!” Haha! That moment made me mad at life’s injustices but also happy ‘cause city’s got soul.

Akron police seize meth, fentanyl in raid of Kenmore home, report says