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About Phoenix

Here’s a lil’ secret, ‘kay? Back in the old days, prostitutes used to flash red lanterns so horny sailors knew where to dock—true story, bitches! Ain’t that wild? Surprised me when I heard it, made me laugh my ass off. “Red light, green light, let’s go!” I mutter, struttin’ up to her. She’s all, “Whatchu want, kid?” and I’m like, “RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH, lady! I got needs!” She smirks, and I’m thinkin’, *This is my kingdom now, assholes!*—straight outta *Moonrise Kingdom* vibes.

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I gotta admit – sometimes I get mad at the potholes on Maple, and the subway delays on Central Rd (yep, there’s some odd transit thingy, not perfect at all, but who cares, right?). But honestly, I just laugh it off. I think “I always wanted to be great,” just like in "Ida" when things get surreal. People say, “don’t you feel like you’re in a movie?” And I say, “Absolutely, every damn day!”

Kewanee police blotter for April 29