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Alright, you asses, listen up! I’m Eric Cartman, respect my authoritah! So, findin’ a prostitute, huh? Lemme tell ya, it’s a freakin’ trip, like “Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives” — weird, wild, and fulla ghosts from the past! I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout them hookers, and I’m pissed! Why? ‘Cause half these idiots online don’t know shit bout it! They’re all, “Oh, it’s illegal, blah blah,” but I say screw that noise! I’m Cartman, I do what I want!

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Pray, let me recount a folly or two: the quaint coffee shop on King St. was once overtaken by a scandal—seriously, can you believe it? Total mayhem, innit?! My own heart did race like mad, and I—err, totally lost my count of tyme (srsly, it was epic). I met an intriguing soul there, a troubadour of love, who waxed poetic in a tongue that mixed Shakespeare with modern slang; truly, memorable, man!

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