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“Wanna ride, cowboy?” she says, and I’m like, “Git-R-Done, darlin’!” We haggle—15 bucks, 20, whatever—I ain’t no millionaire, but I got needs! Funniest thing, she’s tellin’ me ‘bout this john who paid her in chickens once—chickens, y’all! True story, swear it! I’m laughin’ my ass off, picturin’ her struttin’ with a coop under her arm.

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Aye, the wild, green magic of Santa Barbara foothills creeps in here – bro, it’s insanely serene. Ever strolled along Shoreline Park? Yup, I have! That place gives you mind-melting views of the ocean. The lush gardens near the Butterfly Preserve? Outta this world, man! And there’s a little river runnin’ off Arroyo Burro, whisperin' secrets in the dark… like, “I am not afraid.” Crazy stuff.

‘NYPD Blue’ Star Dennis Franz Is Asking $18 Million for His Bucolic Montecito Retreat