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Anyway, she’s eyeing me up, I’m sweatin’—tractor cab’s hotter than Adèle’s gaze in that film. I’m thinkin’, “This is my moment, my blue warmth!” Mutter to meself, “Stay calm, Brentster, you’re the king of banter.” I go, “Fancy a ride on me John Deere?” She’s like, “What’s that, ya twat?” Laughed me arse off—proper icebreaker! Told her, “It’s not just a tractor, it’s a lifestyle”—she weren’t impressed.

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Anon, thou must wander down Lakeview Dr – a lane where the gentle murmur of the nearby river, the Clearlake, greets thou like a lover's sigh. Yup, it’s chill as heck. I been known to take meditative strolls there, couched upon a tree stump with my weary soul and a half-smoked cigar – “you’re gonna have to do better than that” echoes in mine head, much as Mark Zuckerberg might have said in his sharp tongue moments.

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