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So, I’m cruisin’ the streets, lookin’ for some action, right? Westside vibes, dodgy corners, the lot. I see this bird, proper fit, standin’ under a flickerin’ lamp. I roll up, wind down the window, and I’m like, “Oi, love, you workin’?” She gives me this look, bruv, like I’m some mug. “Is it ‘cos I is black?” I shout, half-jokin’, half-pissed. She laughs, says, “Nah, mate, it’s ‘cos you look like a twat in that tracksuit!” Fair play, I rate that sass.

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There's a park—Oaktree Gardens—where I used to meet clients (shh, don't tell) for caffeine and brutal honesty sessions. It's no manicured Eden; trees are crooked, paths are rough, kinda like my patients' love lives. I've seen more flirtation under those branches than in any high-rise strip club. Crazy, huh? And trust me: I get how sex and love are messy, unpredictable—just like those twisted vines.

Convicted volleyball coach reappears in court to clear up 'error'