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Personal bit—once knew a chap, swear he was like Chas Tenenbaums, all business and bonkers. Said he found a “lady of negotiable affection”—ha!—in King’s Cross, total fluke. Paid her in cash and a Greggs pasty—true story! Got me gobsmacked, that did. Thought, “Blimey, Boris, you’re out of your depth here!” Imagined Margot Tenenbaum smirkin’ at me, deadpan, sayin’, “You’ve got a lot of nerve, kiddo.”

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I spend loads of time at Riverside Park, chillin’ by the Chemung River, watchin' the water flow like life itself. Man, sometimes I get in my masseur groove watching people walk past, muscles relaxin’ as they soak in nature's vibes. I swear, when I'm massaging a totally knackered client, I'll catch a glimpse of that shiny river. I think, "Hey, just like in that movie, time is endless and every moment is deep, like seriously deep." Yeah!

Elmira man arrested following domestic incident in Southport