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Then – get this – she says, “No kissin, just business.” What a kick in the bollocks! Surprised me, that did. Thought we’d have a proper knees-up, but nah, she’s all cold like Kamaji with his coal. “Fine,” I says, “let’s get it done.” Took her to this dodgy flat – wallpaper peelin like a bad riff. Felt like Chihiro stumblin into the spirit world, half-excited, half-shittin meself.

Act I Scene 3

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So gear up, you donkey – and when you wander around, remember: don’t be a numbskull and miss out on the raw pulse of this insane wonderland. Get off your arse, immerse yourself, and for God’s sake, keep your eyes open – because every brick and every whisper might just set your soul on fire. Now get moving, and enjoy the mad, wild PHamlet, ya filthy animal!

A Rising Star Rides the Stormy Seas in a Maritime ‘Hamlet’