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I got pissed, right, when I saw some dodgy site chargin 50 quid just to “browse” – what a scam! Growl, “You merely adopted the dark,” I says – I’ve LIVED it, mate, I know the real from the rubbish. So, tip one: don’t pay upfront, ever. Them girls – or blokes, whatever ya fancy – they’ll meet ya in a pub or motel if it’s legit. Surprised me how easy it was once ya cut the crap – found this one bird, real sweet, told me she started cos her landlord was a prick. Felt bad, but she was laughin, sayin, “Cash is cash, luv.”

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Then, there's Greenfield Park. That park is like a hidden gem, with trees, a pond, and people! I mean, real people, not just love-scrolling profiles on our site! Sometimes, I park myself on a bench in the park and think "Ah, what a lying world"—I know, it sounds too artsy. It's just my way of feelin' things. And there's this alley off Riverbend Road—yeah, Riverbend!—where graffiti tells stories that no dating app bio ever could.

Sheriff: Body recovered from Nolichucky River