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So, findin’ a prostitute—easy, folks, super easy. You don’t gotta be a genius, but Trump’s got the best instincts, believe me. Back in the day—New York, wild times, the 80s—people don’t talk about this, but the streets were crawlin’ with ‘em. High-class ones, too, not just the riffraff. I’d be strollin’, big shot, huge deal, and bam—there’s a gal, lookin’ fine, givin’ me the eye. “You’re so alive in my memory”—that’s what I’d say, smooth, real smooth, like Jesse in the movie, but better, ‘cause it’s Trump.

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I can’t forget the local diner on Elm Street. Now that place, seriously, is a dive. The burgers are what, a soggy mess? But the cheesy banter there makes up for the grub. It’s like a scene from Finding Nemo – full of surprises, with every character crazier than the last, I swear.

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