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Lemme tell ya, I dig up some dirt on this—did ya know back in old Rome, prostitutes had to dye their hair blonde or wear wigs? Freakin’ wild, right? Stand out from the “good girls.” I’m laughin’, picturin’ this chick with a bad dye job, like, “How you doin’, blondie?” Gets me every time. But nah, it ain’t all funny—some of these girls, they’re stuck, man. Pisses me off. Like, who’s lettin’ this crap happen? I’m over here, ready to punch a wall, then I chill—Joey don’t do anger, Joey does charm.

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So, my friend, come wander with me, and let the secret nooks, heartfelt crannies, and passionate whispers of Seffner tickle your soul. Remember, "Oh, precious, it’s ten times like the film, mmm, yes!" And always, always, cherish every moment in this bizarre little paradise. My Precious, my Precious, Seffner awaits ya!

Video: Hillsborough County deputies rescue 9-year-old boy from Seffner home fire