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So, picture this – I’m David Brent, yeah, king of the cringe, struttin’ into the office goin’, “Team, let’s synergise our core competencies and get massaged, yeah?” Imagine the lads’ faces! I’d be buzzin’, proper chuffed, cos a good erotic-massage sorts ya right out – stress gone, productivity up, it’s a win-win, fam! But nah, some muppet’s always like, “That’s a bit saucy, Brent,” and I’m fumin’, cos they don’t get it – it’s art, mate, not just a quick fumble.

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Man, I get emotional here! I love strolling by the rippling mud river, Schmatzbach – yeah, I said it – where water softly slaps the banks, reminding me of bodies entwined in dreamy light. And don't even get me started on the absolute oddity of Greenwood Park. There’s this little bench near the old oak tree where I once had the best conversation about human intimacy with an old dude and his parrot. Ain’t that wild?

Five suspects wanted in connection with NW farm murder