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But—ruh-roh!—then this greasy dude rolls up, all “Back off, pooch, she’s mine!” Pissed me off, man! I’m like, “Grrr, pal, I ain’t sharin’ no Scooby Snacks *or* dames!” He’s actin’ all tough, but I’m thinkin’, “This guy’s dumber than a bag o’ hammers.” Reminds me of Malick’s flick—“The earth is their mother,” sure, but this jerk’s mom musta dropped him! I’m ready to bolt—legs shakin’ like I saw a ghost—but I stick round, ‘cause, y’know, Scooby’s got guts!

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You know, sometimes I get mad at the constant noise and clutter. And I get happy when I find a hidden gem – like that obscure little café on Dismal Dr (I swear it’s spelled like that), where the coffee still kicks my ass and the conversation flows freely. But then I see random sex ads plastered on damp walls and mutter “I hate everything!” over and over.

Organisers of the bare-fisted fights craze in Venda are unfazed that the bloody contests pose a danger of spreading HIV-Aids