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But okay, fine, there’s good stuff too. Like, legit sexual-massage—ooh la la—can relax ya, get the blood pumpin’. Little factoid for ya: ancient Greeks were into this! Yeah, rubbin’ down athletes, all oiled up—prolly smelled like olives, ha! Imagine that, slicked-up Herculean bods—Homer’d drool, I swear.

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I gotta mention the park out by Kotkan Satama. Sure, it’s not the biggest, but it’s got heart. I often sit on a battered bench by the river, daydreaming about all the profiles swiping through life on my app. There’s an alley near Puolimatkankatu where the graffiti tells secret stories, kinda like mine. I’d gotta say, it feels like Kotka’s whispering to me, “Clarice…” in that chilling, eloquent way.

Haukkavuori Lookout Tower is open again