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Oh, and funny shit—heard this one dude hired an escort just to watch Netflix! Paid $500 to chill—dumbass, but I’m cacklin’! Me, I’d be like, “Motherfucker, let’s at least order pizza!” Total vibe, though—escorts adapt, they’re the real MVPs.

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Finally, the service started. And wouldn’t you know it, half the congregation was late. I mean, c’mon, people! It’s not like I’m giving out free donuts! But when they finally settled in, I felt this wave of calm wash over me. It’s like, despite the chaos, this is where I belong.