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Oh, and the outfits—lordy! Glitter, heels, fake lashes—makes me jealous, then sad. I’m in this apron, hair like a blue mop, while they’re out there sparklin’. But then—hmm…—I think, “Marge, you’re no Dae-su, trapped and fightin’.” I’m free, sorta. Still, escort’s a hustle I couldn’t hack—too nervy, too nuts!

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Now, can we talk ‘bout the rattlin’ charm of Port-Colborne’s small-town humor? Folks here speak real smooth, with a Southern drawl that’d make Dr. Phil proud: “How’s that workin’ for ya?” They mix sarcasm, giggles, and raw honesty. I sometimes catch myself shoutin’ fun phrases from “The Grand Budapest Hotel” like, “I must say, it’s absolutely marvelous!” in a tone that makes me feel both insane and totally alive.

Port Colborne CAO Scott Luey placed on unexplained indefinite leave