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Heya buddy! So, like, bein’ a financial advisor, I gotta talk about findin’ a prostitute—wild, right? Not that kinda “investment,” duh, but lemme tell ya somethin’. I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout my fave movie, *Only Lovers Left Alive*, ya know, them classy vamps sippin’ blood like it’s fancy wine. “The air is thick with envy,” Adam’d say, and dang, that’s how I feel bout this topic—everybody’s got an opinion!

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I finally find the guy who reported the bike theft. He’s at the local pub, The Bell, looking like he’s had a few too many. “I swear, it was a brand new BMX!” he slurs. I’m like, “Dude, you sure it wasn’t just your mate borrowing it?” He gets all defensive. “Nah, man! I locked it up!”

Gardai appealing for witnesses to alleged assault of child at Ballymun bus stop