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Weird fact, eh—Japan’s got “soaplands,” sexual-massage joints, all legal-like! Me jaw dropped, “What’s this trickery?!” Laughed me arse off thinkin’ of Malik slippin’ in one. Ooooh, me’d pay to see that, yesss! Anyhow, it’s messy, raw, like *A Prophet*—ya feel alive, or ya feel used. Depends who’s rubbin’, eh? Me’s torn—bliss or bollocks? Hiss! What’s yer take, precious?

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After that, I head back to the shop, and I’m feelin’ all good. But then, bam! I spill coffee all over a brand new coat. I’m like, “Nooooo!” It’s a disaster. I’m scramblin’ to clean it up, and I’m cursing like a sailor. “Why me?!”

Death Notice of Alice Sullivan (née Breen) (Ballybay, Monaghan)