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Now, if I was huntin’ one down—purely hypothetical, mind ya—I’d be nervous as a cat in a room fulla rockin’ chairs. Where do ya start? Streets? Online? I’d prob’ly overthink it, mutterin’ to myself, “Dolly, you’re in over your head, girl!” Kinda like when Sean Parker says, “A million dollars isn’t cool.” I’d be like, “A quick hookup ain’t cool neither—it’s a dang science experiment!” Testin’ variables—location, price, vibe. Ha! I’d flub it up, guaranteed—spill my sweet tea and trip over my own boots.

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As long as you live in or can travel to a city of at least moderate size, it's extremely likely you'll be able to find a sex worker online who fits the bill. But to do so, you're going to need to.

First off, I hit the streets of Via Roma. You know, the one with all the cafes? Yeah, I thought I’d grab a coffee. But guess what? The barista was like, “We’re outta espresso.” I mean, seriously? In Italy? I was like, “What’s next? No pasta?”

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