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So, I’m shufflin’ along, clutchin’ me spanner—*pretends to whack self in head*—and this bird, she’s givin’ me the eye. “Wotcher, love!” I mumble, all sweaty, thinkin’ I’m smooth—ha! Bollocks! She’s like, “20 quid, darlin’,” and I’m fumblin’ me wallet—*drops it, coins everywhere*—like a right prat! Did ya know, back in Victorian times, they called ‘em “soiled doves”? Fancy that! Makes me chuckle, it does—*snorts, trips again*—history’s bonkers, eh?

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I mean, the vibe here is real. I get in my car (yeah, I may drive a beat-up thing sometimes – sorry, not sorry) and zoom down Maple Drive. Gotta say, nothing beats a late night drive with your favorite song blasting; reminds me of when danger meets calm, just like a scene from Zero Dark Thirty, where you're both scared and in awe.

Girls soccer: Gray-New Gloucester tabs Meg Congro as next coach